Why Ayeka Should Get Tenchi: a cautionary tale
by the Scribe1
Summary: Tenchi marries Ryoko, behold the results.


Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo belongs to Pioneer. "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" belongs to Garbage, to whom we apologize for the desecration it undergoes to illustrate our(meaning Mihoshi's) point.

Notes:  This story, which is based veeeeeeeeery loosely on the events of one OAV episode, is meant to illustrate the dire consequences that would result if Tenchi married anyone but Ayeka. I'll rate it PG for content and N17 for extreme scariness. 

                                                Why Ayeka Should Get Tenchi, 

                                    a cautionary tale

                                               by Mihoshi (and Tokimi)

                It was softly raining in Jurai's capitol. Drop upon drop of heavy water bounced up from the trampoline leaves of the giant tree palace, and fragile ropes of rain swung down, connecting the arching branches to growing puddles far below.

                All along the acres of brilliant gold-green fields, weary peasants took time off from their farming to rest their aching necks and backs under the shade of a wagon or rickety umbrella, relaxing for a little while in the peaceful beauty of the dancing droplets, patiently waiting for real life to resume.

                In the palace itself, all was silent. The Queen tread softy through the throne room, speaking in muted tones the orders necessary for the care of the castle. The courtiers, following their sovereign's lead, were calm as well. There was no crash of swordplay from the long-haired royal warriors. The chatter of the richly robed ladies was hushed to a mere murmur of scandal and jealousy and gossip.

                Nature had decreed a quiet day for Jurai.

                Which made the sudden eruption of singing from His Majesty, the Prince Consort all the more jarring when it pierced the atmosphere with insolent stupidity.

                "I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN IT *RAINS*" he screeched, as far from the intended key of the song as he was from the planet where it had originated. "I'm only happy when its COMplicATED/ And though I KNOW you can't APPreciATE it/ I'm only happy when it RA-INS!!!"

                A collective groan erupted from the throne room, before its occupants remembered their blue blood, and pretended they couldn't hear the bleating voice.

                The Queen stopped in the middle of her orders to Azaka, one of her most trusted advisors. Her wine-colored eyes closed briefly, and centuries of training in the dignified ways of the royal family and the knowledge of all the curious eyes glued to her were the only things that kept her from groaning with her subjects, tearing her violet hair in frustration and unleashing all of the mystic powers of Jurai that hadn't already been infuriated out of her on His Lordship, her husband.

                "I suppose Lord Seriyo is awake," she sighed finally, her clenched fists digging into her robes.

                "***POUR* YOUR MISERY DO-OWN! *****POUR* YOUR MISERY ****DOWN ON *MEEEE*!"**

                "Would you send someone to shu- see if he needs anything?" Queen Ayeka asked wearily.

                "I shall go myself, Your Majesty," Azaka bowed, pity unmistakable in his eyes.

                The once-placid corridors now rang with a faulty falsetto that grew louder and louder as the old warrior approached the Royal Bed Chambers, pausing with a grimace before he pushed open the heavy engraved wooden doors and met with the unmitigated howls of His Lordship.

                Prince Seriyo was in front of the full length mirror next to his giant pink bed. The overwhelming pinkness of the room in general was reflected behind the red-robed monarch who posed for himself, running one hand through his sherbert-like hair, holding an invisible microphone in the other.

                "Your Majesty," Azaka began, after several disgusted throat-clearings had failed to gain the Prince's attention.

                "I can't _hear you unless you address me properly," Seriyo replied in his sing-song voice._

                "Your Better-Than-Tenchi-ness," Azaka grunted through clenched teeth.

                "Oh, Azuki! How nice to see you!"

                "Yes. Her Majesty-" he stopped at a look from The Effeminate One. "Her Likes-You-Better-Than-Tenchi-ness," he spat, "would like to know if anything is needed to add to your comfort."

                "Actually, no. But I forgot to tell her about the inter-galactic phone call."

                "I thought Lady Ayeka had forbidden you to.... What phone call, my Lord?"

                "From the guy, you know, the one with the spiky hair?"

                "Lord Tenchi?" Azaka asked, his eyebrows raised with sudden interest.

                "Azippy," Seriyo sighed exasperatedly.

                "Was it His Didn't-Really-Beat-You-Because-Mihoshi-Interrupted-ness?"

                "Fortunately not.  No, this one was blonde and he had a scar-thingy on his nose."

                "The Prime Minister of Aldalar?" Azaka choked, turning pale. Aldalar was an extremely belligerent planet which had recently been taking control of all the Galaxy Police Planets in the Gamma District. Word had it that after Xan, its Prime Minister (or Dictator, more accurately), finished off the GP, he was going to move against the Jurians.

                "That's the one!"

                "And what did the Prime Minister have to say?" coaxed Azaka with forced calm.

                Seriyo thought for a moment.

                "When's breakfast?"

                "The Prime Minister called to discuss breakfast?"

                "He did? When? Well, it's pretty rude of him to buck for an invitation. I say, let him get his own food. And you get mine; I'm hungry."

                "It's four o'clock in the afternoon, My Liege."

                "Wow. Eggs. And Ryuten sausages."

                "What message should I bring the Queen about Aldalar?"

                "Oh that, Scar-nose said that if we didn't la-de-da something-I-can't-remember he would something something… Hey, I think he called me gay! Can you believe that! He said, 'Sleep well with your butler, Your Cupcake-ness!' Then he hung up!" 

                Azaka looked like he was going to start hyperventilating. He spun on his heel, forgetting the ritual bow, and practically ran for the door.

                "I don't sound gay, do I, Azizi?" Seriyo's yell echoed in the empty halls.

                Queen Ayeka  cleared the throne room. This in itself was a compliment to the dubious reputation the Aldalari had garnered. It took a serious threat to make Ayeka willingly disperse all of the fawning well-wishers and yes-men whose flattery and royalty-worship were truly the only consolations she had for the sacrifices she made for her country. 

                Two floors below a tray of strawberry flavored Belgian waffles was  vociferously sent back to the kitchens for being insufficiently 'Whippy.'

                The very great sacrifices she made for her country.

                "*How* did he get to the phone?" she asked coldly when Azaka, Kamidake and Dorachi(the Jurian equivalent to a P.R. guy,) alone were left in the ornate hall.

                "He is the Prince Consort, Your Majesty, and the guards on duty were new, they hadn't been fully informed of the… special limitations to his power." Kamidake informed her stolidly, a slight tinge of redness high on his cheekbones the only indication of his discomfort.

                "Well, then," Ayeka replied, in a voice so sugary-soft her two eldest advisors backed up, leaving Dorachi to fend for himself. "WHY DIDN'T YOU INFORM THEM?!" Several expensive decorative windows shuddered alarmingly, but did not break. "WHAT ARE YOU PAID FOR?"

                "Well, uh, you see," Kamidake began, fearfully, as the Queen glowed a shade of blue she hadn't reached since she'd ascended to the throne, and therefore ended her acquaintance with the ancient demon Ryoko.

                "That is…" Azaka edged instinctively closer to the door.

                Dorachi gaped open-mouthed. Then his years of political experience  and natural slickness took effect. His dark aqua eyebrows lowered their arches to normal position and his handsome smile shone with a false sincerity that would make his mentors proud.

                "Come, come, now," he adjured brightly. "What's done is done. There's no point assigning blame. We must focus on the task at hand."

                The Queen turned with superhuman swiftness on her advisor, fixing him for a second with the vaporizing glare of the red slits that were her angry eyes. Just when Dorachi's poise began to flicker again, she drew in a breath. 

                "Yes, that's quite right," she sighed, powering down. The three men relaxed visibly. "What exactly did Xan say?"

                "That was rather difficult to ascertain, Majesty," Azaka said carefully, watching for any signs of recurring anger in Ayeka's face.

"It seemed to be some sort of ultimatum, but the only thing Lord Seriyo was clear on was that the Minister had—" he almost cracked a smile. "Insulted him."

                "Then our first move would be to contact Aldalar and see what we're dealing with." Ayeka frowned with thought.

                "I… wouldn't do that, Lady Ayeka." Dorachi's hand was at his chin; he seemed to be speaking to the muses of public relations, rather than the monarch. 

                "Why ever not?" 

                "We must assume the worst, that Aldalar is planning to take over Jurai. Even if they aren't, say if they're teetering between attacking or not, any sign of weakness on our part could be the deciding factor that puts them over the edge. It's bad enough that they've managed to speak to The Prince unsupervised, we cannot let them know that we don't even get our phone messages. No, that would be devastating. The best thing to do would be to respond as if to a confirmed threat."   

                "That makes sense, my Queen," Azaka said, recovering his composure. "Wise men have said that the best defense is a good offense."

                "We've got nothing to lose, Aldalar will be a threat eventually anyway." Kamadake nodded. 

"But if we're wrong…" Ayeka bit her sleeve.

                "Are you willing to risk lives on that chance?" 

                Ayeka drew herself up to her full height, pulled her shoulders back, and set her fine jaw with determination.

                "I, Lady Queen Ayeka, Empress of Jurai do order the Royal Fleet to be mobilized, all foreign ambassadors to be recalled to Jurian soil, and the Prince Consort to be confined to the Royal Bedchambers— for his own safety, with an armed guard," she frowned at Kamadake. "Who have been fully briefed as to the exact extent of their duties.

                  "Dorachi, get me Xan on intergalactic phone line two— and Okayama on line one."

                                                End of Part One

***When Life gives you lemons, make lemonade* and e-mail it to Mihoshi.**

Soun still has yet to remove Mihoshi and her free-loading partner Tokimi from their happy home at

                                                THE TENDO DOJO @aol.com 


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